I’ve decided to write a cookbook. I know what you’re thinking: “But MW, you’re terrible at improvising, extremely absent-minded, and tend to burn/light things on fire”. Whatever, doubters. This cookbook is going to be geared toward people like me and make me totally rich.
Cooking for the Absent-Minded and Cheap
Chapter One: How to prepare for cooking
1. Remove smoke detector and place under couch cushion. A chair will also do.
2. Get all your ingredients together first. Be sure to read the labels. Ginger and garlic powder can look similar at first glance, but they are not even close to be okay substitutes for one another.
3. Pour yourself a glass of wine. It’s going to make all this a lot easier.
Chapter Two: First Aid
It’s imperative that you have a handle on basic burn and cut treatments before you begin cooking, especially if you plan on doing anything with fire or knives. Please note that it is possible to cut yourself without using knives, and microwaves can light things on fire too. To avoid most burns, some of my friends and I like to use the following statement to remind ourselves to be careful: “Things that come out of ovens are hot”. Repeat that to yourself through the cooking process.
Now that we’ve got the basics out of the way, let’s get down to cooking.
Chapter Three: Cheese
Cheese makes everything more delicious. You should add it to everything you can… and it works for every meal, too!
Chapter Four: Onions and Garlic
If you are sautéing anything at all (and I use the term “sauté” loosely to mean “cooking anything that isn’t breakfast-related in a frying pan”), you should start with olive oil, onions, and garlic. This is a basic rule that should pretty much always be followed.
Chapter Five: Cereal
Cereal is acceptable for every meal. Some cereals are actually more suited for lunch or dinner than for breakfast. Buy accordingly. Have several kinds of cereal in your cabinet at all times… unless you make your own granola, ’cause that stuff’s delicious and there is no competition. Remember though, this is a rare food that is not improved by the addition of cheese.
Chapter Six: Seasoning
I don’t know how to season. You’re pretty much on your own here, unless you want to talk about the wonders of basil, pepper, and garlic.
Chapter Seven: Baking
Sharing baked goods is an excellent way to make friends at work and is way easier than regular cooking. It makes your whole house smell delicious and is also a nice way to warm the place up in winter, in case you are too cheap to turn up the heat.
Well, that about wraps it up for now. If you’ll excuse me, I sliced a chunk of my thumb off while cutting up an onion this evening and it’s kind of starting to hurt. Don’t forget to buy my cookbook when it comes out and help me become a millionaire! 
Hilarious.