So I did some online dating a few years ago. Right before I swore off it (and actually, the reason I was swearing off of it), I went out with a guy let’s call….. Derek. That’s not his real name.
So I had this free profile posted in our local, hipster-friendly newspaper. Derek (a pretty hot masseuse) sent me a message. Now, I’m not really big on emailing for weeks and then meeting each other. It’s way easier to lie about yourself in an email than in person. So I arranged to meet him for an afternoon coffee at a local (but not so local as to be too near my apartment) coffee shop. I set up my safe call with a friend, let a couple people know where I was going to be (if you’re reading this, Mom, you can see I was totally responsible and smart!).
I got there early, so I could pick a table that was within sight of the counter and other patrons, got my own coffee, and settled in with my book about Chaos Theory (that’s how I told him, and the couple others I saw, to find me. Again, it’s shocking I’m still single, right?).
Derek showed up pretty much right on time and we started in with the typical blind/online date questions.
I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you the info in Derek’s profile:
Age: 38 (I was 26. It was kind of a big age difference at the time, but I didn’t see this being a long-term thing… I just figured a couple dates couldn’t be too bad)
Profession: Masseuse (I’ll admit that this factored into me agreeing to meet him)
The easiest way to do this is to just put the pertinent parts of the conversation in here. Let me emphasise that I am not exaggerating here. These are actual things he said. Italics are what I was thinking at the time, not current interjections.
Derek: I should probably tell you that I fudged on my age
Mairin: Really? [shit] How old are you?
Derek: I’m 39. But I just turned 39 and I just don’t feel that old. So I changed my birthday in the profile so it would still say 38.
Mairin: Huh. [what a stupid thing to lie about. not a good sign. i wonder what else he’s lied about?]
Derek: Oh, and I should probably mention that I’m divorced.
Mairin: Wait, but your profile said you were single. [being divorced isn’t an issue. it happens. not too keen on all the lying though]
Derek: Yeah, well, technically I’m single though, right? It was a long time ago.
Mairin: There’s a reason that “single” is an option and “divorced” is an option.
Derek: Does that bother you?
Mairin: Lying bothers me.
Derek: Well, then I should probably tell you that I don’t really live in Bucktown.
Mairin: Wait, but that’s what you listed as your neighborhood!
Derek: Well, yeah, I don’t actually live in Chicago. I live in [name of town about 2 hours from Chicago, let’s call it Loserville in Derek’s honor]. But when I did live in Chicago, 10+ years ago, I lived in Bucktown. And that’s where I’d like to live if I moved back. But yeah, I live in Loserville with my mom and older brother.
Mairin: (rapidly drinking coffee so as to end date) So they live in that town too?
Derek: We all live in the same house. I had to borrow my brother’s car to get here today.
[WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!]
Mairin: [let’s change the subject to something less loser-y. this guy has to have at least one redeeming quality] So how long have you been a masseuse?
Derek: Oh, only about 6 months
Mairin: Really? What did you do before that?
Derek: Well, before that is when I was living in Detroit. Mostly I grew and sold massive quantities of high-quality marijuana.
Mairin: … [shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit]
Derek: It’s the perfect place to do something like that, because police there really have bigger issues to worry about than busting people like me.
Mairin: … [is he really trying to use, “i was never busted for my illegal activity” as a positive quality?!?]
Derek: And it’s not like I was selling to kids or anything. I only sold to dealers.
Mairin: [oh, well in that case…. ] Well, I had really better be going. I’ve got this protest that I’m going to with my friend. The one who called. The one who knows where I am and who I’m with.
Derek: Oh, some friends of mine wanted me to meet them at the protest, what a coincidence.
Mairin: Haha, how strange. Well, have a good time, I’ve really got to get going.
Never saw him again. He actually emailed about 8 months later. I was happy to tell him I was otherwise occupied. Besides, it’s hard to go out with someone when you don’t know when he’s going to be able to borrow his big brother’s car.
Got a bad first date story? Please, help me feel better about myself and share it in the comments 🙂